Catnip and Batman

So is being high awesome, or what?

Now that I have your attention, seriously, drugs are weird little things. They take you up, push you down, make you able to smell the color Einstein, and punch little holes in your wallet until it’s impossible to see, between the two of you, which is thinner. Automatically any good little Christian girl or boy will throw their hands up and say, “Drugs are sooooo bad!” Well yeah, it’s true. They ruin lives, split marriages, and make your face look like this.

But they can also be hilarious.

 

You see, not all drugs are illegal. Even the good little Christian boys and girls have their caffeine (ooooooh) and, for only the bravest and badest, smoking (AHHHH). We’re allowed to chug down as many red bulls as we can comfortably fit into our spasming left ventricle.

But if you so much as mention Marijuana and you can expect dirty looks and pamphlets for rehab centers to be thrown from all sides. Some days, it would be just so liberating to run into a church during the sermon, go right up to the microphone, and scream “MARIJUANA” and then sprint off. If judgemenal stares could corporealize, you’d be chased by a small cloud of frowning monkeys. Why monkeys? Because they’re monkeys.

But Marijuana is illegal and you shouldn’t smoke it dear reader. What you should do is see what happens when you give a cat a small mountain of catnip.

I was going over to my friend’s apartment the other night to do important collegey stuff, like Batman and facebook stalking of that one awful popular girl in high school, when we encountered his roommate’s cat. Now, normally this cat is just like any other small spawn of Satan with a cute face and claws, but this time the little nightmare was out of its poor furry mind on catnip. It was quite possibly the highest thing above seaboard in the western hemisphere. It had its eyes open large enough to pass a truck through and rolled aimlessly around the room, like a fat fur covered rolling pin, meowing randomly. In loosely translated cat, it was probably something like,

Oh my gosh you guys, the room spins when I do this! 
I may have super powers.
It’s cool though, I wouldn’t ever use them on you guys.
I love you more than life and ponies and catnip, and—
Oh my god! After this piece of fluff.
THIS PIECE OF FLUFF IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVEEER!! 
Ooooh, spinning…..

The thing was worse than a stoner in a sandwich shop.

Now a little catnip would not have been a bad thing for this cat. It had a mean streak wide as the Mississippi and the blind angry ignorance of a backwater Baptist preacher. You could be petting it one moment, or just sitting on the couch with your homework (aka facebook).

And the next moment, KILLER SUICIDE BOMBER CAT.

It would leap into the air, sink its claws into whatever part of you had the misfortune of being unprotected, bite you, and then run to the shelter of its ghetto fabulous cardboard box castle, waiting until later to finish the job….

So a little catnip was definitely in order.

However, the evil spawn of Satan was not content to sniff the catnip as much as break into the catnip toy and bathe in it. Leaves stuck out of its fur like oregano…. I swear man it’s just oregano… Wanna bake it in some brownies?

To be fair, the cat did not buy the catnip, but it did contribute to the tiny holes in its thoroughly disenchanted owners. They would mellow the cat at any cost… Hence the tiny baked feline I spent my facebook time with. Funny enough, when I got to about elbow deep in papers and reading assignments, (must we clarify chat and angry birds?) I began to envy this little cat. Yes, it looked like a world class idiot with its tongue poking out of its mouth for absolutely no reason at all, but it was also having the time of its first life. Well, possibly second, the cat had a solid couple of death threats out against it. And I sat there with assignments and seriously, how can that one girl already have a husband AND as master degree?? And that stupid cat staggered in wobbly circles, not giving a— Well now laying on the floor not giving— Oh it might be dead….

Drugs are bad. Being able to talk to numbers may sound cool, but in the end you are gonna end up in a tiny apartment falling asleep with your tongue lolling out the side of your mouth, between a woman muttering to herself in German and a guy yelling at Batman. Stay in school kids.